More a-holes for the suckfest

A two game sweep of the Yanquis is pretty sweet. A four game series sweep BY the Braves is FUCKING AWFUL.

So now Big Will's head is on the proverbial chopping block whether he deserves it or not.

Randolph: "So this kinda sucks."

I'm pretty ambivalent to whether Willie stays or goes. I basically agree that managers in the long run mean fuck all to a team's success. At the same time, Willie's most important job is spin control and dealing with da mejia, and he's been sucking up a big suckstorm lately in that respect. Plus it's a lot easier to fire managers than players. So if the Wilpons deign that it is time for Randolph's head to roll, I won't raise fuss (and I will give credit to Craigers for calling it first).

But either way the Mets are playing like a bunch of assholes at a suckfest convention and it's pissing me right off. Get your shit together assholes. Or just have fun at your big suckfest convention, you fucking assholes.

The Mets don't play the Marlins in Miami until July 28th but I've already got the footage of them checking in to the International Inn for the series (NSFW for awesome swearing).



Have fun and sober Memorial Day weekend, everyone. I won't.

GMDB sells out: rolls deep in bling, pink

It's time to blow this blog stand and strike out for greener pastures. I've graduated to the big show! Later sk8ers, so long, suckuhs!!!

Actually no, I won't be quitting my retarded, mutant love-child that is GMDB, I would miss drawing all those veiny penises on MSPaint far too much. What I mean to say is that the the respectable and thoroughly enjoyable Mets blog-of-record, Flushing University has stupefyingly asked me to contribute a weekly column, to which I obviously agreed to do.

So I'll still be here most of the time with the same old 3rd grade level of discourse (apologies to any FU readers who have found there way here. And yes, it gets worse), the only difference is personally I will be doing more expensive, trendier drugs and will no longer pay for sex.

But in all seriousness, if you bizarrely read this site and aren't aware of Flushing University, please check it out immediately. They have any amazing collection of talent writing for them that I scarcely add to, some real heavyweights in the Mets Blogosphere, and I'm pretty stoked to be part of it.

They (er, we?) also have the best daily Mets feature, by far, on the 'net, the incomparable Mack Attack. I am totally serial, guys, the Mack Attack is legit. Rekanize.

Ok, fanboy fawning aside, in other site news, I will be out of town and away from computers from today until the 23rd and there will be no posts here in the meantime (tho the Flushing U column will run) Doing what? Glad you ask, building homes in Katrina ravaged St. Bernard's Parish. Why? Because I am such a good person, of course. Haha, no its because I want to tell women that in hopes that it will increase their likelihood of sleeping with me.

Wish me luck!

The Devil wears Martin Prado

I just watched The Devil Wears Prada on HBO and found the movie completely underwhelming. I'll tell you more about after I get pumped up with some good ol' fashioned American industrial metal. Put on your viking helmets and start swinging your sledgehammers, its Al Jourgenson and Ministry!



Unfortunately Ministry never did a real video for Deity so instead we have to settle for some wierdo's high school AV class project. You can also listen to some of the live versions on youtube but I wouldn't recommend it.

If I had to pick a favorite Ministry album it would definitely be a tie between The Land of Rape and Honey and The Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Taste. Ho ho!

Anyway, back to the Devil Wears Prada. I found the whole thing to be devastatingly retarded (surprise, surprise). First, there's the whole premise of the roman a clef turned motion picture. "Oh no, my boss is a total mega-bitch. I'm going to totally expose her bitchiness in my seriously bitchin' novel. Yeah, I'm so awesome. Bitches."

The central thesis of the movie revolved around the idea that you were supposed to feel bad for this Andy Sachs character, but this was predicated on the total horseshit notion that when running a business, everyone must be incredibly nice and pleasant to each other at all times. Furthermore, we should all be shocked that a business woman actually fucks people over to increase both her personal power and fortune. If this Miranda person was a guy he'd just look like a ruthlessly efficient titan of industry instead of a heartless and petty monstrosity.

What's that you say? But Miranda didn't let Emily go to PARIS??? Oh god, the horror!!! Who fucking cares about fucking Paris? Learn to deal with disappointment you dumb slut. Suck it up and do your job or fucking quit.

Compounding my viewing displeasure was the movie's intimate focus on the fashion industry, a billion dollars a year enterprise that could not be more stunningly worthless. At one point, Miranda's character goes on about the color of Andrea's ugly sweater to show how the fashion industry affects us all, whether we like it or not. So fucking what? Fashion is still the most useless waste of time and resources since the Springfield Monorail. Clothes exist to to keep people warm and to stop them from being naked. Any additional significance assigned to them beyond those basic utilities is purely masturbatory.

But thats when I had the epiphany that allowed me to tangentially link The Devil Wears Prada to baseball and a potential GMDB post. What dawned on me was that sports, a billion-dollar a year business, was as equally useless to the world as fashion, and my bewilderment with the fashion business was analogous to a non-sports fashion puzzlement with the degree of enthusiasm and excitement us sports fans get from following our favorite team.

You can justify this obsessions anyway you want, but at some point you come to the fact that your just indulging yourself in pointless, nonsensical distractions, whether your predilections include sports, or fashion, or any other silly topic used to sell magazines.

I guess the point I'm really trying to make is this: I went to high school with Anne Hathaway, the co-star who plays Andrea Sachs and I saw her bewbs in another movie called Havoc. S0 now thats TWO girls I went to high school with whose bewbies I've seen.

You too can see Anne's tetons. Check it out.



Yeah, score.

FYF: go eff yourself, San Diego

Good job, Padres. You really are the worst, aren't you? Can't even win one god damn game against the Braves? Worthless. A collection of worthless assholes.

Also your city blows. 'America's Finest City'? More like, 'Mexico's Finest City'.

So besides getting PWNed by the shittiest franchise in sports, what else are you good for? Well let's see, you're good at getting arrested, good at getting nerds whipped up into a frenzy, good at starting blogs and then giving up due to a complete lack of heart, and finally, for having a movie made about you that was funny the first couple times but then gets ruined by having the lines repeated insufferably on terrible internet blogs.

True story: I was walking around San Diego one day and this guy started licking my balls.

You suck it the pieness, Padres. Try to imitate a professional ball club next time you go out there why dontcha? Fucking worthless assholes.

How to properly convey your displeasure with Willie Randolph

I would like address issue of Willie Randolph's performance as the New York Mets' team manager. It all reminds me of the humorous story of the traveling salesman.

So lets say that the average Mets fan is a farmer, and Willie Randolph is a salesman. Well the farmer says, "You can spend the night in my barn, but do me a favor and don't stick your wiener into any of the three holes in the wall."

And in this case, the salesman's wiener represents the Mets fans' money.

So Willie Randolph, like the salesman, can't help himself, and sticks is wiener in the first hole and it feels good. He sticks is wiener in the second hole and it feels even better. He sticks his wiener in the third hole and it hurts like hell and it won't let go!

Well in the morning, the farmer comes out and he explains: Behind the first hole was my wife, behind the second hole was my daughter, and behind the third hole was an automatic milking machine that doesn't shut off until it gets fifty gallons!

Gentleman, I propose that Willie Randolph's performance as a manager is like an automatic milking machine, and unless we terminate his contract immediately its going to rip our dicks right off!

Monday Pumpitude - Cobrastyle

Y'know for a team thats half a game out of first and 3 games over .500 you'd think people would be a lot happier about things. But it seems Mets fans, myself included, are expecting a little more this year. So tough shit Big Willie and Omar, your asses are on the line whether you like it or not.

The Mets did just take a series from the Arizona D-Bags, and whether you believe it or not, they are currently the best team in the NL, so lets change the vibe of our pumpitude enhancement and get things crackin with Robyn and the Teddybears.

You may remember Swedish pop star Robyn from such hits as Show Me Love and some other shit. The Teddybears are a radical synthpop group, also from Sweden. I first heard of Teddybears years ago in Europe when they were still called Teddybears STHLM. How cool does that make me?

THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS fucking cool.



So what do those lyrics mean? Whats up with the bear masks? Is Cobrastyle something the Mets want to try? Beats me. All i know is I would totally do Robyn.

FYF: Barry Zito

Why would I still be bitter at Barryl Zino for rejecting the Mets in free agency two years ago when he sucks tremendous ass now to the point of being relegated to the bullpen? Well, because I'm not really, but he is still a butt head and I'm on a tight schedule today and I already made this joke about the picture below yesterday in the comments of an Amazin Avenue post. You know what they say, re-use, re-new, re-cylce, re-bocop.


After this year, the Giants still owe him NINETY-SIX MILLION DOLLARS. Nice allocation of resources San Francisco. Think of all the delicious Wendy's Junior Bacon Classics you could have had for the money you wasted on this poopscicle. Yeah, thats a lot of JBCs. Nice.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!

Nothing like getting up at 6:30, so that you can take 3 hours off in the middle of the day to watch the Mets (the ole conference room here at Tankard, Lee & Quips, P.C. has a nice television setup) at work and finding out that the game has been delayed due to a "water main break," which I'm pretty sure just means that the Mets 3rd starter had to pee. Then going back to your office (overlooking the parking lot here in lovely Suburbia, N.J.) and getting back to work. Imagine two hours later you tune into the Gameday Audio on mlb.com only to find that the METS ARE DOWN 13-1 TO THE FREAKING PIRATES?!?!?!

ITS BLOGAGGEDON!!!!!

The sports blog-o-party is all a flutter with the fall out from a late night talk show on HBO hosted by a smarmy Greek midget.

As a respected member of the new media, I just have one thing to add: This isn't helping our cause out, Leitch (NSFW, as usual).

GMDB EXCLUSIVE: interview with the Rev. Jeremiah Wright

GMDB doesn't often get political, but when we were able to get an audience with Reverend Jeremiah A. Wright Jr., we certainly weren't going to pass on this incredible opportunity.


GMDB: Reverend, thank you so much for taking the time to speak with us. Can you share with us your thoughts on the Atlanta Braves?

Rev Wright:
GMDB: And we all share God's opinion. Reverend, thank you for your time.


Well that was quite the interview, wasn't it? Gosh, I sure hope this doesn't come back to haunt us years later when GMDB runs for President of the Internet.

Monday Twofer: F U Clemens and pumpitude

The spirit of GMDB has never cared much for deadlines, and so once again I am late getting the FU Friday out. So enjoy another twofer and this totally unspurprising story about Roger Clemens being the abject lowlife that he is.

Is there no end to Clemens moral decrepitude? Actually yes, when God finally decides he has punished the rest of humanity enough and snuffs Clemens' mortal soul, his unholy rampage on earth will finally end. The fact that Clemens is currently our of baseball isn't enough. This man is a cancer to society, and the sooner we are rid of him the better. Short of soliciting his outright murder, I recommends exiling Clemens to Borneo. On second thought, that would be unfair to the innocent inhabitants of the South East Asian jungle isle. Better that Clemens just be sent directly to hell.

Am I being a little harsh? Perhaps. Maybe Clemens should have thought about this before attempting murder himself by winging a broken bat at Piazza in the 2000 World Series. This kind of behavior doesn't help his cause out either (NSFW).

Ugh, I feel sick just having thought about that miserable waste of sperm and egg. Let us refocus on the beating we administered the Atlanta Bravos by winning the latest series and celebrate the triumph by rocking out to some motherfucking Clutch.



Holy shit that was awesome. Lets do another one.



Fuck yeah, baby.

Anon Mets 'pen: thou doth clutch a towering equine pizzle and sucketh it, verily

And what I mean by that is the Mets' bullpen sucks huge horse cock.

What the fuck man, I know it's early but if I have no patience for this bullshit. If anyone was to blame for the collapse last year, it was the bullpen, and we're not even out of April yet before these bozos decide it's time to break out the straws and start the suckfest. An all day, all night sucking suck party that will suck your shit straight to hell (whatever that means).

numbers:
Heilman: IP 12.2 - ERA 4.97 - WHIP 1.42 - grade: FAIL
Sosa: IP 13.2 - ERA 7.24 - WHIP 1.68 - grade: EPIC FAIL

Here's my impressions of Sosa and Heilman having a little pow wow on the mound in the middle of a game:

Sosa: Hey Aaron, how's it going?
Heilman: Pretty good, Jorge, pretty good.
Sosa: So, what are you up to?
Heilman: Oh just taking a piss.
Sosa: Yeah me too, I'm just taking a big long steamy piss all over the field.
Heilman: Hey, you ever think about, I dunno, like, actually pitching, or something like that?
Sosa: No, I'm pretty much just going to take a piss.
Heilman: Hah, yeah me too, just pissin'. I was joking before. Nothing but piss from me.
Sosa: Yeah, piss it up.
Heilman: I love taking a piss on game day.
Sosa: Piss that game away.
Heilman: Piss, piss, piss.
Sosa: Love to take a piss.
Heilman: Hey, Jorge.
Sosa: Yes, Aaron?
Heilman: I guess that makes us, piss pals!

Fucking assholes. Get your shit together.

I was going to save this video for when Alou returned (because if you didn't already know, Alou like to PISS on his HANDS!!!) but I love piss jokes more than life and can't wait that long.



My favorite part is when you think the piss is over but then he farts and ITS NOT OVER!!!!